Boundaries

Historically, I have allowed life to happen to me. I fall into relationships just because the guy is persistant enough to “get” me.  I am generally nice so I guess I end up leading people on easily…

or I don’t.

OR I shut them down immediately.  I don’t give anyone a chance.  I treat them badly from the start.  I put my wall up.  I am rude and heartless.

There is no in between.

I have no idea how to get to know someone normally without either leading them on or shutting them down immediately.  No boundaries.

Partly, I think it is other people’s perceptions of me that are a huge factor in people not believing that I can be serious or mean.  I have that “There’s something about Mary” look where people automatically think I’m the nicest person in the world and are aghast when I’m not.  For people to realize that I am mad I have to be really mad.

I overthink everything, okay? You get it now.  But I honestly don’t want to stay the same in this area.  I have no boundaries and don’t want to live like that.  I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no, without having to be an a-hole for people to take me seriously.  Each and every friendship or relationship I get into looks exactly the same.  If I appease a friendship or get to know someone they think that I’m letting them in, they then infiltrate my emotional being and then I have to work hard to get them out of my space.

To put another layer on top of this challenge, my current struggle is loneliness and “falling” into somewhat relationships.  I call them somewhat relationships because I am never chosen, it just happens.  So I have this problem of letting life happen to me.

So…

I intended to have some sort of conclusion to this random stream of thoughts…

I thought that I could have some sort of answer or next step to take to help me create and hold boundaries better….

But I’m at a loss…

No idea…

Any suggestions?

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