I always thought that my marriage was my cross to bear. I made the choice while knowing how it was going to go, hoping that it would change and work, but when it didn’t, I simply had to live with the bad decision that I made. I deserved it. How many nights did I spend crying out to God to heal my marriage? How many days did I walk around as a victim carrying the burden of my marriage?
I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. It physically weighed me down.
But God Knew me. He wasn’t surprised that I made that decision. God wasn’t thinking, Yes, this is her cross to bear; she disobeyed Me; she deserves it. She needs to carry around this burden forever. Since she disobeyed I’m at a loss on to how to fix it.
NO! He knew me. He knew the decision I would make ahead of time, and He knew I needed to make that decision in order for His plan to work exactly the way it did.
ALL thing work together for good to those who love God… -Romans 8:28
God redeems everything.
And it is not in a way that we think. We think God is like, “Ugh, she messed up again, I have to fix this.” Or “Yep, this wasn’t my perfect plan, but I guess I can make it work with what she gave me.”
NO WAY!! The moment that we turn back to God IS his perfect plan and whatever led to that moment of freedom is his perfect plan, too. We never veered off. All of our steps, every moment leading up to our surrender IS in His perfect plan.
What about my disobedience after?
God is not surprised when we are disobedient. He knows us. He loves us.
He pursued Israel with a fervor EVEN when they disobeyed. He pursues us the same way.
He respected Israel’s wishes and let go when they were determined to follow their own path. He knew that in order to turn back, they needed to go as far as they needed to go. And He would wait for them to be ready. Oh, I’m so much like Israel.
I imagine God as the husband we all dream of.
He is the husband who is patient and loving. He is the husband who we bear our ugly soul to, our past, our hurts to in order for Him to see how truly messed up we are and realize that we really aren’t worth the time and effort. We push Him away hoping that He would just realize that “I’m really not worth the time!! I’m really not the one you want!!” But we run away from Him peeking back to see if He is pursuing us.
He created us this way!! As women, we desire to be pursued, and we want to bear our soul. We want someone to let us know that even how messed up we are, we are still wanted. We want to be vulnerable, show our heart, our desires, our hurts and want someone to walk through healing with us.
God can bring a physical person to do this with us, but ultimately, He is the pursuer. He is the Healer. He is the Lover of our dirty, messed up, ugly soul.
He wants us to bring it all to Him, so bring it. Ask Him, “I want you to look at me, but I’m scared. Do you know something about me that I don’t know? Take me. I don’t know what to do and what steps to take next.”
Just ask Him, and He will do it.