God is my husband. I have been saying that all along. He pursues me even to places I try to keep Him from. He wants all of me. He wants to heal me… even when I don’t want to be.
Every experience I have had in the past few years has confirmed my hatred for men. Now I’m no feminist. I am actually the opposite. I want men to be men, and I want women to be women and fulfill their God given roles. But there is not one man that I can pinpoint in my life (except for my brother) that is fulfilling that role in any facet. I’m looking and hoping that some man will surprise me but every interaction that I have with them just confirms the same.
The hatred has grown, and I didn’t even realize it.
I began to look at men with disdain. Imagining what they will say or what they are thinking because, you know, “They are all the same.”
I have begun the process of only surrounding myself with women to protect myself. I have perfected the words to shut them down immediately or avoid them all together. I’ve always been somewhat like this, so I thought that it was just who I am.
What’s even more difficult is that I am divorced and went through major emotional and psychological abuse. No one would even know it now though.
I am strong and independent. I am driven and determined to not fail. I know God is my husband and is meeting me where I am and supporting me financially, and most of all, taking care of my girls.
But recently, I have been holding onto the shame and the anger and it has become a part of me.
Yesterday at our 1 Peter bible study we went over submission.
HONESTLY, I had NO idea that I would react this way. I got angry, like blood-boiling angry. I shut out most of the conversation from the table but it didn’t stop the anger from welling up in me.
I got up and left…
I just sat outside in the coffee shop until it was over. And one of the women did come see how I was, so I did try to go back in for the video. They even brought in a speaker to clear up some questions the women may have had. But…
I didn’t want my questions answered. I didn’t want to hear any of it.
I had been beat over the head with the word submission, so many times that I couldn’t bear to hear it. I just couldn’t.
So I got up again and left. This time I was planning to leave for good, so I brought my stuff with me.
On my way out, I stopped at the little girls room and while I was in there I heard my group leader’s voice.
Ugh, I thought. She’s going to want to talk to me and try to rationalize with me!! I don’t want to do that!
When I came out, I tried to hurry out but it didn’t work. She followed me and wouldn’t stop.
What in the world is this woman going to try to tell me?!? She has no clue!
This 7 months pregnant woman, I had only met one time the week before and was only there because she was filling in for our regular table leader. I didn’t know her, and she definitely didn’t know me, so I thought.
She told me about her first marriage, and it seemed very similar to mind, but I held my ground. She wasn’t going to break me. I told her that I had too much to deal with that couldn’t be fixed in the 3 hours that we were there. I told her that I needed to get help for the whole thing.
She asked bluntly, the way she had been talking to me the whole time, “Do you WANT to be healed?”
She continued, “Well, you hesitated. So maybe you don’t know the God I know.”
Ugh, is that a challenge?!? Yes, I know Him! He’s the one who brought me through everything to where I am now! You’re not going to sit here and tell me that I don’t know Him!! I know Him better than most. He’s my Husband, you know!
Of course, I didn’t say that. I said, “There’s too much!! You know, I am the woman who would do ANYTHING for the man she loves. And it didn’t work!” And then continued dumping on her everything I think about men and how they confirm my thoughts about them every time.
She wouldn’t let up!! She was determined to get me to let her pray for me. She wouldn’t let me go. She put her foot down and pretty much forced me.
I didn’t know if I wanted to be healed. Being healed means that God might bring me into a relationship again where I could be hurt again. I didn’t want that. I don’t want to be vulnerable again. I don’t want to let go again. But I finally relented and let her pray for me…
During her prayer, my shoulders warmed up. I had no clue until later that He healed me of my gluten allergies that I have been dealing with for the past year. (I only know because I’ve binged on gluten today with absolutely no symptoms just to test it).
As for my hatred for men… gone. Now it hasn’t been replaced with pure unadulterated love and passion, but the disgust is gone. When ordinarily, a man within a few feet of me would make me feel like Cat in 12 Things I Hate about You, there was nothing but peace.
I wasn’t asking for healing and in the moment, I didn’t want it. Even now, I don’t really know how to react to it.
He knew what I needed before I did. He knew that I needed to be freed so He pursued healing for me.
He wouldn’t let up.
He healed me even though I didn’t ask Him to.
He pursued me, not because of me but because of who He is.