Let them shape you but don’t let them define you.
I’ve already said a few times that I am not a typical entrepreneur. I was not born to speak in large crowds; I am actually an introvert by nature. I have never sold anything in my life and would die of embarrassment before I would become a salesman, at least in the typical sense of the word. I am so bent on being myself that I fail constantly. I say the wrong thing, I am not a perfectionist, and I am continually dwelling on what I am not. Even saying the word entrepreneur when referring to myself makes me shake as I type.
This desire to do more has sprung out of me mostly out of necessity. I need to make myself indispensable. I need to make myself successful so that I’m not stressing about money every month. I am creative and constantly have ideas but have the problem that most of us have, follow through.
I live my life constantly reminding myself what not to do and who I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be a person who needs instant gratification. I don’t want to be content with the minimum. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize that I was capable of so much more than I did. I don’t want to waste my life on Facebook. I don’t want to give up after any mistake no matter how large it may be. I don’t want to be stressing over money forever. I don’t want to rent an apartment or have roommates forever. I don’t want to see people who need help and not be able to help them. I don’t want to waste the gifts that God has given to me. I don’t want to do it all on my own and have to rely on my own strength because, to be honest, I am a single mom and EXHAUSTED most of the time.
I know my weaknesses, almost too well. But I also know that God uses people’s weaknesses for His glory all the time. I rejoice in my weakness because through my weakness can reveal God’s strength.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
I will not succeed in my goals if I don’t take steps toward them. I must believe that I can succeed. I must believe that any level of education is possible for me PhD or whatever I choose. I must learn from mistakes and not get overwhelmed. I must make goals but complete one task at a time, one blog post at a time, one semester or class at a time, one day at a time. I must not waste time.
But I also must spend time with my children and love their youth. I must manage my household effectively. I must take care of my body, my health, and my relationship with God, friends, and family. I must realize that instant success will be worse for me than the gradual building of it. I must manage each set of responsibilities in each season to my best ability. I must be content in my circumstances and be thankful for what God has provided. I must allow people to help me if I need it and ask for help if needed.
I detail every way that I’m failing in this current season of my life, but this season will last until June, I must accept this. Now what will I do after that? I have no clue. I do have ideas, but I must be content and thankful that God has provided me with time to plan out my next steps. When I think about all that must take place for everything to go back to school, I almost give myself an anxiety attack…. Housing, costs, school for my soon to be 2nd grader, childcare for my 3 year old, what exactly to major in, how long will I need to go to school, will I start a PhD immediately following or just get my MA, how is it possible to find affordable housing in San Diego close to the university, which college should I go to, should I start applying for scholarships now, should I go to a Christian college or just use my beliefs to influence my program… and much, much more.
But I know that God knows my future. He knows what’s best for me and my girls. I will trust Him even in my most anxious moments because He brought me here. He has always taken care of us. He will use the problems in my life to bring Him glory… and truly I could have much worse problems in my life than these.