I am not good. I am not faithful. But I was healed yesterday.
I didn’t ask God to heal me. I actually hesitated when the girl who prayed for me asked if I wanted to be healed. Being broken seems easier sometimes. Being scared is easier. Being guarded with a strong wall up is easier.
If the wall breaks down, then that means I have to move forward. I only want to move forward in the difficult ways that I want to move forward in. I want to move forward in my career. I want to build a business and be respected in that realm.
I don’t want to be vulnerable emotionally, God. I don’t want to open up that part of my heart again to be broken. I want to teach my girls to guard their hearts and not be all in. I don’t want them to dive into be hurt. I want them to have self control and to be grounded.
I don’t want to be pursued by a man, even by you Lord. I want to be unwanted and if I am wanted, then only in a controlled environment where I make the rules.
I don’t want to be lavished upon. I don’t want to be doted on, but You continue to dote on me, Lord. I don’t want to be because you know what that means? It means that I am more worthy than I feel. More beautiful than I want to be identified as. More significant and have a larger of a role than I want to have.
I don’t want to be in ministry. I don’t want to have that type of responsibility. I am not tactful. I am not appropriate. I don’t know the Word like other women. I don’t have that desire. I want to teach and move forward in a way that I am comfortable in. I don’t want to feel like I need to fill the role of a pristine, perfect women’s ministry leader. I don’t like that stuff. I don’t want it.
As I have been through this journey of finally realizing that I am Jonah, I thought that I was already past walking through Nineveh. I thought that I was sitting on the hill judging everyone. But I realize now that I may still be in the belly of the whale.
I have recently begun almost every conversation that even allude to men by saying, “I hate men.” I even day dream about being on a podium somewhere shouting it out.
There are some things that I love about men. The fact that they can think about only the moment and have zero thought beyond that. That is a skill I wish I had, and I try to replicate each day. I want to live in the moment. I want to not think a second into the future like men do. It seems like it controls their need to claim any responsibility for the future, and I wish that I didn’t feel so required to plan and prepare for any possible scenario that may or may not happen. I want to live in the moment alone and only think about today. How freeing that is for them.
I also love the fact that in marriages and when they are in leadership positions, it’s their responsibility to do the right thing and no one else’s. Go at it, men! For goodness sake, maybe if some men acted like it was their responsibility to do the right thing and take care of the people they were in charge of, then we would see a drastic improvement in many of their sense of responsibility.
I don’t say this with bitterness… anymore. There really isn’t any anger in my heart. Because yesterday, I didn’t really want Him to but God healed me of it. I liked being angry with men. I liked hating them with a passion and looking at them with disgust.
But along with the healing of my anger and hatred of men, he gave me a physical healing that I also didn’t ask for.
I have been battling a undiagnosed gluten intolerance for the past year. I have pinpointed my intolerance to gluten so strategically that I know that within an hour of eating anything with gluten, my shoulders start cramping, my neck, and my head aches, and my mood takes an immediate down turn.
I just thought that this was just something that happened as we get older and something that I had to deal with just like many other people. I never asked to be healed or expected it.
So I ask, why would He heal this?
I can immediately think of many reasons… I whine and complain about not being able to eat gluten to EVERYONE that will listen. Seriously, anyone I can tell I do. I have honestly hated it. I probably have told the same people, unprompted of course, that I am gluten intolerant, AND I hate men. Probably within the same breath.
So it makes some logical sense that within my healing of my unforgiveness of men would come with my healing gluten intolerance. They are both mentioned in the same breath and also healed at exactly the same time.
Do I want to shout this all at the rooftops? Umm, it’s actually kind of surprising, and I really don’t know what to think about it. I’m still processing it and am like, “Well, what now God?”
I really have no idea what now. So, sup Lord? You know, can you give me a little something to work with, huh?