When people describe our Christian walk as a journey, they aren’t kidding.
About 3 years ago is when my depth with God changed to another level. I was at the pit of despair with my life, my family, and every part of my life. I realized at that time that I had zero control over the outcome of my life and that I needed to stop fighting for control. I needed to do the cliché’ “Let go and let God.”
My life was crumbling around me piece by piece, but God replaced every confusion with a solution. I look back now and see that before I even had a question, he had provided an answer. He was setting the stage for everything to change.
Bit by bit, he brought the right people into my life. A woman who had been through my struggles, then another who had similar struggles but the outcome was a little bit different, and then another and another. Suddenly I had women all around me who knew exactly what I was going through and I could depend on them to help me see my situation clearly.
Then God brought me to a scripture. I wish I could pinpoint exactly how I came upon this scripture. If I could dramatize it a minute I would say that he put the name Abigail in my head. I didn’t know why but it lead me to the scriptures. I needed to find out who she was and why she was so special. As I read her story, I realized that… I… am… Abigail. And if I don’t do something drastic, I, and my family, will be destroyed. So I took a step of action, wrote a letter of appeal, and I found out months later that this letter was indeed what saved me and my children from getting removed from our home until we could find a better solution.
Each step of this path, He provided exactly what I needed. Each step, I took blindly without knowing exactly where I was stepping. Each step, he slid the path under my foot as I stepped down.
3 years into the future from here…
I have back-slidden to a point where I can’t go any farther. I am lost and resentful and worst of all, I haven’t heard from God in a while. He is everything. He is the reason I am anything. I have become a negative, gossiping, surviving woman (only describing myself here) and I don’t like it. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to strive and feel like a victim and hold resentment against people and not be in constant communication with God.
I am His beloved, but I haven’t been acting like it. I am forgiven, but I have been holding on to my insecurities and believing that it is okay to be lukewarm and taking dips into the world sometimes. He is my husband, (Is. 54:5) but I have been searching for companionship and a man outside of His will. I have been basking in the world and what it has to offer, and it has left me empty.
This always happens when I begin to boast about what I have contributed to this relationship with God. As if it has anything to do with me. You know what I have to contribute to my relationship with God?!? Nothing! I have been accepted by the one who is perfect, who forgives, who is the sacrificer and the sacrifice, who is the promiser and the promise, He is the beginning and the end. He is it!! That’s all.
This journey is a constant cycle.
I push forward in my own agenda for my life. I strive and control and try to make things happen. I become resentful when it doesn’t happen the way I want it to. I get angry and try to control more. I strive and push. During this time of striving, I try to have a half relationship with God. Almost as if, I’m asking Him to make my will be done. This goes on for months, years, or sometimes if I’m lucky only days. I finally give up. I let go. I am left with no choice.
And He meets me exactly where I am. EVERY TIME!!
So here I am again. Letting go. I don’t want to continue on this path of unforgiveness, of anger, of resentment, of gossip, of being the same. I want YOUR will to be done in my life.
You know I have no idea what that is. NO IDEA! Lord, I wish I had an idea of what you want. I don’t see a way out. I don’t see any solution. It is not clear at all. NO IDEA!!
Give me the path. I don’t need to see it clearly, but I do need You to lead me on the right one. If I have steered off too far, lead me back. I have no idea what I need to do. Please guide me in the way ONLY You know how to. Please give me peace about it, so that I don’t strive and try to take over. I trust Your plan for my life. I have ruined everything once again. Take over, Lord. I trust You. Amen.
Does this relate to you? If you’d like to find out more about seeking God even in the midst of chaos, confusion, and frustration while identifying what God has called you to do where you are right now in your life, check out the 5 Days to Pursue Your Calling Journal HERE.
Originally published HERE
Also Published on Medium Here.
1 thought on “The Story of Intimacy”
I’ve been through a few phases similar to that in my life, and I’m sure I’ll go through more as time goes on. Probably the darkest/most difficult time was when I was a teenager, and my family life basically imploded. There were a lot of personal and financial issues going on with my parents, we uprooted and moved to a small town in a different state where everyone knew me (the new girl) but I didn’t know them, and to top it all off – my sister and closest friend didn’t move with us. I questioned God a lot, doubted his plans and his purpose, and found myself in a place of impassiveness I had never experienced before. But, like you said, God was there waiting for me, ready with open arms for my return, and after that was a period of closeness with the Holy Spirit that to this day still astounds me. It’s another cliché, but God really does work in mysterious ways, and because of this, I know He never fails and will never leave me behind. And that knowledge has kept me going time and time again.